How to Become a Don
by ReesieReese
Summary: Get lessons from Don Lino on how to become a mob boss... R
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I do not own the Shark Tale characters; DreamWorks does. I do own the made up characters though._

_Author's Note: Hey. I decided to take a whack at a second story and a Shark Tale fic, though I might be making another one… R&R please! By the way, this is narrated by Don Lino._

**Lesson One: Do Not Act Stupid**

Hey. Don Lino here. I'm giving lessons on how to be a don, though I don't know why you're here, you can't become a don. Anyway, before we get started, there are a couple of things I have to say. I'm the one in charge here, so yous gots to listen to me, and no interruptin', capice? Alright. Let's get this lesson on the road, shall we?

_Today's Lesson: Don't Act Smart_

Where do I begin? I've seen so many people die from lack of common sense. Clearly they never heard this lesson. Don Cicinaega's nephew nearly died from this, Don Gale died from this, and my great, great, great grandfather was alive when Don Viccini died from this. There's a moral to all their stories, and I cannot stress this enough: _If you're in a war, you're losing, and the other captain invites you to his tent, don't act smart! _You wanna know why Don Viccini died? He decided to go to the other captain's tent and act like he was a macho man and he was going to beat him! It even says how their conversation went in books:

_Frances (The other captain): Would you like to say anything first?_

_Viccini: Yeah, just that I'm gonna beat you and your troops!_

_Frances: What?_

_Viccini: (Takes sip of wine) Yeah, oh c'mon, we all know why you invited me here. You wanted to beg me for mercy. I don't blame ya' though. Me and my troops are pretty tough._

_Frances: (Mouth foaming with fury)_

_Viccini: Well you know what, go ahead and beg for mercy. But I'm not eating this cheap food! This is nasty! And besides, that's probably why your mouth is foaming._

_Frances: (Mouth foaming and eyes watering in fury)_

_Viccini: Oh, now you're cryin'? Well I always did think you were a wimp. But don't worry, I'll go soft on ya'… if I feel like it. You couldn't hurt me, especially not with these. (Shows Frances his muscles)_

_Frances: What the… Guards! _

You know what happened after that? Guess. If you said that Viccini got a jumbo can of whup ass unleashed on him, then you're right. I always thought that Viccini was smart as a pup, he was quite famous in his time, but then I heard this.

Now Don Gale… he's another story. It's a good thing he's dead, or else I would've killed him. Whether he was known as a crackpot or not, he should've at least had a lick of common sense. Would you believe this? He actually went up to the West side reef boss, who he was feuding with at the time, talked bad about him in his face, and when Don Haradouli (The West side reef boss) didn't shoot him and just politely asked him to leave, he mooned him. Guess what? He was found dead the next morning. It was a good thing my great grandfather was smarter than his pop, because if he wasn't, then my family business would've been over. Yes, he was my great, great grandfather, and I'm sorry he was. He should've known better than to mess with a Killer Whale anyway. They may be tame in 'Sea World,' but out in the ocean… they're killers. Why else do you think they have the word 'killer' in their name? Here's something you need to know, and I hope you listen to this: Forget 'Free Willy.' A mafia Killer Whale will _hurt _you. They do not play around; trust me, I know this. I was in a fight with one of them when I was 14; nobody won, and I was okay, but I won't forget that uppercut I got.

Now, this brings us to our last tale. Don Cicinaega's nephew. Don Cicinaega is currently the West side reef boss, and I was sad to hear that his nephew nearly died; he was very comforting at Frankie's funeral. He was smart too… he showed promising signs of strategy and problem solving at six, but the only problem he had was the one that landed him in the hospital; his temper.

The story goes like this, Sal, Don Cicinaega's nephew, was messing with a Sand Tiger shark. Before I continue, I would like to say this: I do not care if a Sand Tiger shark calls your mama a name, I do not care if a Sand Tiger shark calls you a name, heck, I don't care if a Sand Tiger shark makes fun of the shape of your head! **DO NOT MESS WITH THEM!** You should be able to ignore name calling! It's worse in Sal's case, because he was the one who started the fight! He was calling the Sand Tiger shark a name, when suddenly, the Sand Tiger dude turned around and ripped him up. Sal didn't die because the Sand Tiger guy was only 13 years old; only a teenager. But had he been a full grown adult… bye bye Sal.

Sal was found by doctors and a very upset uncle an hour later. He doesn't look ugly, luckily due to the miracle of surgery, they were able to patch him up. But they couldn't erase one sign that he had been in a fight, a red scar above where his gills are. Now, Sand Tigers are different from Tiger sharks; they're more vicious. They start killing before they leave their mother's womb, and then eat the victims they killed. So you see why you shouldn't mess with them. But, if you feel like getting yourself ripped to shreds, be my guest.

Well, that ends today's lesson. But don't think that's all; you need to know more than this to become a (smart) don.

_Well that's it. Sorry if it wasn't very funny, the humor will pick up soon. Well, what do you think? Is it good so far? R&R please. And now it's time for…_

**Reviewer's choice!**

What do you think the next topic should be?

A: Do not call every killer whale you see 'Free Willy'

**OR**

B: Do not start stupid wars.

The most popular choice will be in the next chapter!


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's Note: I've tallied the reviews/votes (There was only one. Thankies Insane Pirate Dragon.) And this topic will be… Don't call every killer whale 'Free Willy! Hooray! Warning! Cuss word alert! Do not read if you don't like cussin'!_

**Lesson Two: Don't Call Every Killer Whale Free Willy.**

Welcome to lesson two. Now, I've heard some soon-to-be dons do this, and I think, "What the hell?" I need to talk to you about this. So listen up people… or else…

_Today's Lesson: He Is NOT Free Willy!_

Okay, so a Killer Whale approaches you. You know then and there that you have four options:

Swim away screaming like the sissy little cowardly mama's shark you are

Swim up to him/her and say hi

Try to kick his/her butt

Shout 'Yo, Yo, Yo, wassup Free Willay!

I would understand if you chose 1. I've seen Killer Whales and their hot, bulging, rippling muscles… not that I'm examining them or anything! I'm not gay like that. I'd feel proud if you chose option 2. Not many people who first see a Killer Whale go up and say hi. Choosing option 3 shows that you've got guts, but unless you know how to block, duck, and punch, I'd advise you not to do that. If you chose option 4… I'm tellin' it like it is… then you're hella stupid. Call him/her Free Willy and he/she will smoke your ass! That dude/dudette is no more of Free Willy than that clownfish over there is Nemo. This is a direct hit at little kids. I hate them! They always think that every clownfish is Nemo and every Killer Whale is Free Willy! I'm tired of them always saying 'Look! We found Nemo!' Here's a note to all little kids: SHUT THE FK UP!

Ahem, sorry. Back to the lesson.

Anyway, not every Killer Whale is Free Willy. Do not think that you're being smart by saying this to a Killer Whale named Willy:

_You: Are you a Killer Whale?_

_Willy: Well, yeah…_

_You: Is your name Willy?_

_Willy: Yeah but…_

_You: Fine then. You're a Killer Whale, your name's Willy… end of discussion._

_Willy: But…_

_You: I don't care_

This conversation is only going to end in three ways:

He/she will beat you up

You'll find yourself in a hospital

Or, my personal favorite

You'll get knocked dafuggout!

Besides, if you're going to be a don, you shouldn't indulge in such childish behavior.

There are no 'Free Willies' at all here. Do you see a big, fat, sissy, trained Killer Whale here? No! That guy doesn't even deserve to be called a Killer Whale! He listened to human! Would you believe that? That boy told him to jump, and guess what? He jumped! What he should've said,

"Look, I'll jump when I feel like it, so shut the hell up already!" Now that's what a mafia Killer Whale would say! In fact, here's how you can tell the difference between Free Willy and a mafia Killer Whale. Free Willy is a gay softie, and a mafia Killer Whale, in my opinion told in the slang of today's youth, kicks ass! Some mafia Killer Whales may be gay, but they sure ain't softies. You'll learn that after they show you the ropes… the ropes of pain! I do not own this comment. I can't even believe that some people liked the movie better than 'Jaws!' Now Jaws was a movie!

Well, that's all for today's lesson. If I say anymore I'd probably start ranting. But before yous start packin', I'd just like to say an evil thought. You know how in the movie Willy jumps over that boy? I sometimes wish that he fell on him. That would be funny.

_Author's Note: Well, that chapter was fun, pr at least it is in my opinion. Flames are welcome, but don't be surprised if I yell at you. If you must flame, absolutely _**NO**_ cussing. Constructive criticism people, please! But in the meantime… it is time… for…_

**Reviewer's Choice!**

What should be the next chappie's topic?

Do not start stupid wars

Or

You are a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine.

_Well, that's it. R&R folks!_


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's Note: I have tallied the reviews! Once again, there was only one. Why don't you people like me? Was it something I wrote? Is it because I'm new? If you're reading this chapter, please review, even if it's a flame. If not, please tell somebody about me. I'm really sad. Comments for making my story better is allowed, please tell me if I spell something wrong, correct my grammer if you have to! I'm desperate for more reviews! (Author begins crying) Sniff. Okay, now that that's over, today's lesson is, Do Not Start Stupid Wars. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Shark Tale, but I wish I did. _

**Lesson Three: Do Not Start Stupid Wars**

'Ay, Don Lino here. Need I explain why I'm giving this lesson?

_Today's Lesson: Stupid Wars are for Stupid People_

All right. Lesson three of How to Become a Don. The only bad part is… I really have nothing to say. It'll be a short lesson. So, I'll start off with this:

Okay, so about, what was it, five hundred years ago? A guy named Don Kris started a war. It was because another don, Don Lee, was terrorizing everybody. I mean, he was really terrorizing people, eating everything in sight, eating everyone in sight, and what's worse, he even tried to eat his own daughter. This guy was nuts! I was glad to hear that his daughter got away. This period of time was the worst period of time in Reef City history. It became known as the 'Great Reef City Massacre,' because so many fishes died. I have to give Don Kris credit for keeping his cool through this. He didn't start the war 'till Don Lee decided to try and kill more fishes and start a fire on where he lived. Don Kris won the war, and everything went back to normal.

Don Kris had a reason to start a war, which is why I admire him. This guy was, how d'you young people say it, whiggedy whack?

(Lenny comes in)

Lenny: Pops, it's not whiggedy whack. Being called 'whack' is bad.

Lino: Sorry for the error. I'm jus' tryin' to keep it… real… ya' dig?

Lenny: Stop trying to act cool. You're embarrassing yourself.

Lino: Yeah well… you know what… Go to your room!

Lenny: You can't ground me, I'm a twenty two year old shark.

Lino: Ahhh, how time flies by.

Lenny: Riiiiiight, just stop tryin' to act cool. (Swims off)

Anyway, back to the lesson. As I was saying, Don Kris was great, unlike another guy who started a stupid war. Here's Don Jovi's story.

(_The seventy's. Back to the golden age of Reef City.)_

_Don Jovi: (Sitting at his desk with disco music playing) everybody, get on the floor, and dance!_

_Guard shark: (Comes in the room) Sir, Don Jay is here. (Notices Don Jovi dancing) Sir…?_

_Don Jovi: Wha… oh… sorry. (Turns off music and stops dancing) Sorry 'bout that, what were you saying?_

_Guard shark: (Looking amused) Uhh… Don Jay is here._

_Don Jovi: Oh. (Looks confused) Who the heck is he?_

_Guard shark: Oh c'mon, you know? Don Jay…_

_Don Jovi:….._

_Guard shark: The west reef ruler…_

_Don Jovi: (Stares blankly) _

_Guard shark: He's been terrorizing this side of the reef for a year! Didn't you know that?_

_Don Jovi: Oh yeah! That Don Jay! From the East Reef dance party! The boss of East Reef!_

_Guard shark: (Groans) West reef, and there was no dance party. Besides, you're the East reef boss._

_Don Jovi: Oh, right. Well… send him in, I guess. (When the guard shark is gone, Don Jovi turns the music back on.)_

_(Don Jay comes in)_

_Don Jay: Hey, I'm here for some business… (Stops, looks around, listens to music.) Hey! Is that the 'Shake your booty' song!_

_Don Jovi: (nonchalantly) Yeah._

_Don Jay: (Singing along) everybody, get on the floor, c'mon take a chance!_

_Don Jovi: Shut up! It's my music!_

_Don Jay: (Ignores Jovi and begins to dance) Shake, shake, shake! Shake, shake, shake! Shake your booty! Shake your booty!_

_Don Jovi: (Outraged) how dare you shake your booty in my presence! I'm declaring a war against you!_

_Don Jay: (Stops singing and dancing) Why?_

_Don Jovi: For having the nerves to booty shake in my room!_

_Don Jay: so you mean it's not because I had an affair with your wife and killed your messenger?_

_Don Jovi: You did what?_

_Don Jay: Nothing._

The sad and stupid story of Don Jovi. He got his butt kicked. To make it more descriptive, he had the crap beaten out of him, and needed more crap. I was Don when that happened, and I remember telling Frankie that story. He laughed his head off. He was so young and full of life. (Sniffle.)

If you want to be a Don, then you cannot start stupid wars. If another Don steals your pastry, does that mean that you can freak out and go, 'Oh my gosh! He stole my pastry! That was my pastry! He stole it! He had the nerve to steal my pastry! I loved my pastry! He stole my pastry! I must have my pastry! I am determined to have my pastry! I cannot live without my pastry! My pastry belonged to me! My pastry will be mine, so I'll go and attack that guy! Your answer will come in a few seconds...

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………Hold On …..…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..**NO! SO DON'T START STUPID WARS!**

Okay?

Now, what have we learned today?

We learned that you should never freak out because another Don stole your jelly donut…. Oh yeah! And don't start stupid wars.

That's all for today's lesson. That's not all though. There are much more lessons than this, much more.

_So, what d'you think? Was it good? Was it bad? Did it suck eggs? I'll only know if you review. As I said before, I am desperate. Very desperate. And my brain will blow up if more people don't review. C'mon, review please! You know I'd do the same for you… kind of… never mind that, just review please! But for now, it's time for…_

**Reviewer's Choice!**

What should the next topic be?

You are a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine

Or

MY SON IS NOT FRUITY!

_Well, that's it. R&R, pretty please! _


	4. Chapter 4

_Author's Note: I have counted the reviews! The most liked choice was… 'My son is not fruity!' There'll be more of Lenny in this chapter XD. Thanx to all the people who reviewed. You made me feel less desperate! Anyway, I wrote this chapter to prove one thing: Lenny is NOT gay! Anyone who says he is will get attacked by angry Lenny fans and get all their homework stolen, so they'll have to face angry algebra teachers. _

**The Crouching Tiger Shark: Thank you for loving it so far. In return, it shall love you back. And since you never knew that Don Lino had that side to him…I didn't either. Maybe he has a Goth side; maybe he has a happy joy, joy side; maybe he even has a 'Hi, I'm a Little Pixie' side, who knows? Only time shall tell… and the rest of this fic…**

**BritishRose: **_(Looks up from where she's about to have a meltdown) _**you mean I don't have to get so worked up and desperate? Yay! I'm glad you like what I'm doing, I'm even happier that you like Lenny's interjection. And I will continue exploiting all Don Lino's levels and stuff. **

**Insane Pirate Dragon: Thanks for reviewing. You don't say much so... fikidoo! **_(It's not a real word, but it is crazy and can be used as a crazy name.)_

**On with the story!**

**Lesson Four: MY SON IS NOT FRUITY!**

'Ay, Don Lino here. This really doesn't have anything with the lessons… oh wait, it does. It teaches you to NOT CALL MY SON FRUITY!

_Today's Lesson: Lenny is not Fruity!_

I am outraged!

Lenny: (pokes his head in the door) So am I!

Do you know what some fish say about my son?

Lenny: Do you know what fish say about me?

The wrongness! The nerve!

Lenny: The funkinism!

Lino: (Sees his son at the door) Lenny, get out.

Lenny: (Terminator style) I'll be back. (Leaves)

Anyway… do you know what some fishes are spreading around? That Lenny is gay! My son is not fruity! Just because he was singing Shania Twain's 'Man I feel Like a Woman' doesn't mean you can say that he likes boys! He was five when he sang that, and Frankie had dared him to sing it. Just because he doesn't have a girlfriend…

Lenny: (Comes in the room) That's right ladies. I'm single.

Lino: What the…? Lenny, will you get outta here?

Lenny: I'm still available girls. (winks and leaves)

Riiight… anyway…

Just because he doesn't have a girlfriend… (Looks at doorway) doesn't mean anything… (a card pops over Lino's head) what in the… Lenny!

Lenny: (pokes his head from behind chair) Yes?

Lino: What are you doing…? Is this a card? (Takes the card and reads it) I cannot believe…

(What the card says)

**I'm single, 21 going on 22 years old, hot, and very cute. I'm looking for someone who does not mind the fact that I'm vegetarian. I'm a shark, (That's noticeable) but you'll mostly realize the fact that I'm big, buff, muscular, and all around macho manly…**

(Lino stops reading there)

Lino: What the heck!

Lenny: Uhhh…

Lino: Lenny, get out! Besides, you forgot your phone number.

Lenny: (mysteriously) I'll remember that… (Leaves)

Sigh… I'm gonna go crazy with 'im…

Besides, what you just saw is proof! Proof that Lenny likes girls…

Lenny: (Pokes his head in the door and whispers) The cute, smart ones; not ugly ones that have people runnin' for cover. I don't really like the 'damsel in distress' girls much…

Lino: (Sighs) I can hear you Lenny.

Lenny: Barnacles! Foiled again! (swims away)

I swear, if he comes in here one more time…

He even gave you a profile of girls he likes! _Girls_, not _boys_. Do you see him trying to get in some guy named Jeremy's fins? No!

Lenny: That's just wrong! Now, if it were some girl named Alyssa…

Lino: Thank you Lenny… wait… Lenny?

Lenny: (swims out the door)

Grrrr… I'm gonna get him… make him watch over his side of the reef… and then listen to Don Fienberg's singing…

He'd rather go with some girl named Alyssa… wait… I know a shark named Alyssa… she's pregnant!

Lenny: It's not mine! I wasn't doing anything at ten' o'clock! I was sleeping… alone…

Lino: (Crosses fins) How d'ya know if it… 'happened'… at ten 'o'clock?

Lenny: Oh… well… I was swimming home from my shift at the 'wash and I passed a ship…

Lino: Did you go IN the ship?

Lenny: No! Let's just put it this way… by the noises I heard in there, they weren't stopping anytime soon…

Lino: Get outta here!

Lenny: (Swims out the door… for the millionth time…)

Now that was wrong…

He's even a nice kid! Most fish would say he's great.

Lenny: Oh, I'm great all right. A great ki…

Lino: (Glares daggers at Lenny)

Lenny: (swims like mad out the door)

He doesn't wear perfume, he isn't on 'Queer eye for the Straight Fish' and he doesn't know much about shoes and clothing…

Lenny: I don't wear any clothes.

Lino: That's true… wait… DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO GET OUT?

Lenny: No. You just glared at me.

Lino: (Growling in anger)

Lenny: I'll go now. (swims for his life out the door.)

…So he's not gay! And Lenny, I know you're behind me with your phone number on a card!

Lenny: Dang.

Now, what have we learned today? We learned that Lenny is not fruity…

Lenny: (cuts his dad off) and that he is single, very macho manly, and an all round great ki…

Lino: GET OUT MY ROOM!

Lenny: (Swims out the room like the devil is on his tail while laughing)

That's it for this lesson. Come back for the next lesson, where there will HOPEFULLY be no interruptions from a certain 'macho man.'

Lenny: See? Even he thinks I'm buff!

_So, what d'you think? Was it great? Were you laughing? I hope you were. Look out for the next chapter, but for now, it's time for…_

**Reviewer's Choice!**

What should the next topic be?

You are a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine

**Or**

His name is Jeremy, **NOT** Robbie from the Christmas party.

_So that's it. R&R please!_


	5. Chapter 5

_Author's note: I've counted the reviews! Today's topic is… 'Nice Shark!'_

**BritishRose: Thanx for liking! And for cuddling Lenny… Ha! Lenny's got a girlfriend and her name is BritishRose! **

**Insane Pirate Dragon: I'm glad you fell to the ground… laughing of course. Action does speak better than words… go action! And once again… fikidoo! **

_Please note that I was hyper while typing this. _**On wit' da story! **

**Lesson Five: You Are a Nice Shark, Not a Mindless Eating Machine**

'Ay, Don Lino here with your next lesson on 'How to Become a Don.' Thank you, Bruce, Chum, and Anchor, for coming up with this phrase. Because if you want to be a don, you cannot be a 'mindless eating machine.' And Lenny, if you come into this lesson like you did with the last one, you're gonna get hurt.

_Today's Lesson: Stop Eating ya Dummy!_

Feel the peace flowing through your lungs. Can you feel it, can ya feel it? Good. Now, imagine that you are floating through the universe, that some alien dude is your tour guide. Now, chant with me. 'Oh universe! I am not a mindless eating machine! I shall control my hunger! Fear me and my mighty powers to control my eating, O creatures of the sea!'

(Don Lino comes in his office and sees Lenny)

Lenny: Uh oh.

Lino: Lenny, out!

Lenny: (swims out door)

Now for the real lesson…

This is probably one of the most important lessons you'll ever hear. Being a don is hard; you have to manage the mafia, like trying to keep the peace, and making sure that everyone has enough to eat… but how can you make sure that everyone has enough to eat if you keep eating everything in sight?

Being a don, I have to say, you get some pretty tasty treats. Shrimp in cocktail sauce, baked tuna marinated in white wine and fish chunk brownies…

Lenny: Or in my case, a delicious garden kelp salad topped in vinaigrette and triple chocolate kelp truffle brownies.

Lino: Don Fienberg!

Fienberg: (comes in room) I'm gonna sing the Titanic theme song!

Lenny: NOOOOOOO! (swims out door)

Fienberg: What's his problem? Doesn't he appreciate good singing?

Lino: That's just it. He appreciates _good_ singing.

Fienberg: (gets the message) Oh yeah, well, well… I don't like you anymore! (swims out door crying)

All right… now that that's over…

As I was saying, there are a lot of great things to eat. But that doesn't mean you can gobble up everything in sight, both edible and inedible foods alike. You've got more important things to do than sit in your office all day and sample treats. Most dons you see are muscular, like me. Their stomachs aren't the size of Fat Albert plus the Cosby Kids. It's much smaller. Why? Because they don't go around popping Twinkies in their mouths every few minutes. If ya wanna become a son, you have to be calm, yet fierce, not small, yet super sized big time! You're also supposed to be in shape and exercising, not sitting on your couch all day eating a big Mac and watching 'Whose Line is it Anyway' marathons! That's just lazy, and dons can't afford to be lazy.

Lenny: (comes in) So in other words, get off your fat butt and stop eatin' ya lazy bum!

Lino: Lenny!

Lenny: Sorry pops, but I couldn't help it!

Lino: No, I was going to say that what you said was perfect for this lesson!

Lenny: Really?

Lino: Yep.

(Father/Son moment music plays)

Lenny: So you aren't gonna kick me out of your room?

Lino: Oh, I'm still kicking you out my room.

(Record scratches.)

Lenny: That's messed up. (Swims out room.)

Now, what've we learned today?

Lenny: We learned that you should get off your lazy couch potato butt and head over to the YMCA for some exercise!

Yeah, that too, but I was gonna say that we learned to not be a 'mindless eating machine' like most people think we are.

That's it for this lesson. See ya' next time.

_Sorry if it was lacking in humor. I have writer's block and an extreme case of sugar highness. Curse you writer's block and sugar highness!_

_Writer's block and Sugar highness: Mwahaha!_

_For now it's time for…_

**Pin the tail on the donkey!**

**Just kidding!**

_It's really time for…_

**Reviewer's Choice!**

What should the next topic be?

A. Happy Birthday!... oh wait, this is a funeral.

**Or**

B. Sugar is not your friend

_So that's it. R&R please! _


	6. Chapter 6

_Author's Note: I have counted the reviews! Today's topic will be about funerals! Wooh! _

**Insane Pirate Dragon: Umm… fikidoo!**

**Lesson Six: Clowns Do Not Go To Funerals**

Hey, Don Lino here. Today we shall talk about funerals.

_Today's Lesson: Happy Birthday!... Oh wait, this is a funeral._

For today's lesson, I'd like to start it off with a story.

_STORY:_

_Shark families from all over came to Don Kacy's funeral. Everything was going okay, until…_

_(Door busts open and everyone stares at the shark coming through the door.)_

_Shark guy: (dressed in a rodeo clown suit) Well howdy doo! I'm here to turn ya'll frowns upside and down! _

_Another Shark Guy: Dude…_

_Shark Guy: (Pulls out cake) Happy birthday to you!_

_Another Shark Guy 2: Dude…_

_Shark Guy: (goes near coffin) Happy birthday to you!_

_Some Other Shark: Dude! Get away from that coff…_

_Shark Guy: Happy Birthday dear husband…(Opens up coffin)_

_Don Kacy's wife, Lucy: Husband?_

_Some other shark, Another shark guy, Another shark guy 2: Husband?_

_Everyone else: Husband?_

_Shark Guy: Yeah, husband. We're a secret married couple! _

_Lucy: But, you're a guy…_

_Shark Guy: (Waves around rainbow flag.)_

_Lucy: Hey! I saw that in his room before!_

_Shark Guy: Don't you know what a rainbow flag is?_

_Lucy: (realizes stuff)_

_Don Kacy's son, Danny: No! My father is respectable! (Swims out door crying)_

_Lucy: My hubby cheated on me! (Grabs the shark guy's cake and smashes it in her husband's face) _

_Everyone: Oooh._

_Some other shark: Harsh._

_Shark Guy: What the (censored) is goin' on here? What type of (censored) birthday party is this?_

_Lucy: Birthday party? _

_Another Shark Guy: This is a funeral. Besides, Kacy's birthday is five months from now._

_Shark Guy: Oh.(Blushes) I'll just be leaving now. (begins to leave)_

_Another Shark Guy 2: Wait? Why are you wearing a rodeo clown suit?_

_Shark Guy: (Just Grins)_

_Everyone: (Eyes go wide)_

_Lucy: Oh (censored) no! (Pulls out chainsaw)_

_Shark Guy: Ahhh!_

_Lucy: (chases around shark guy with chain saw)_

_Some dude named Jerry: (whispers to Some Other Shark) This is the best funeral I've ever been to!_

_END STORY_

What you heard was a true story. Ninety years ago, that incident happened at Don Kacy's funeral. His funeral wasn't the worst of some I know; I've heard of a funeral where some guys thought it was a bachelor party, and they got a cake…(shudder) I'm not even gonna go near that story.

If you want to be a Don, you have to know when all funerals take place, but more importantly, you have to know if it's a funeral. It'll be very embarrassing if you think that the occasion is a costume party, and dress up in your favorite spider-man costume. People will laugh at you, and you'll lose some of your status as a don.

Also, you need to know how to dress. You should put on a tie or something, or just where nothing at all.

Lenny: (blinks) You want us to go naked to a funeral?

Lino: I don't see you wearing anything.

Lenny: Ahhh! (Swims off)

Back to the lesson…

Anything formal is nice. You don't want to show up to a funeral looking like a gangster, nor do you want to show up looking like you've been to hell and back.

Lenny: (Has on the outfit he wore at the end of the movie, plus matrix shades) 'Sup ya'll. I come back from da land of da clothed!

Lino: Lenny! Get out!

Lenny: A'ight, A'ight. Chill pops, I'll be jettin' now. (Swims off)

Lino: And you're a bad gangster impersonator!

Anyway…

Don't go to a funeral thinking it's a birthday. You'll just be disappointed and depressed when you find that instead of seeing balloons, you'll be seeing a dead guy float to the top of the ocean.

Lenny: It's very depressing.

Lino: Yeah… wait!

Lenny: (Swims out door.)

Lino: (sighs and rubs his head)

Now, what have we learned today?

Lenny: We've learned that Don Kacy was a player, and that funerals are not fun.

Lino: Grrrr…

Lenny: It's true!

Well that's it for this lesson. See ya next time.

_Well, what did you think? Sorry if this one wasn't very funny… but the next one will be. It's going to have extreme randomness… but, I'll need your help to make the extreme randomness! So, it's time for…_

**Reviewer's Choice!**

In your review, type in three or four things that you'd like to see in the next chappie. For example: I want to see flowers, a music show, and I want to see (Insert name here) do (Insert thing here.) It doesn't have to be like that though. Just type in anything that you'd like to see.

_So that's it! R&R please! _


	7. Chapter 7

_Author's Note: I'm back! MWAHAHAHA! _

**Insane Pirate Dragon: Okay, you'll get to see Lenny trying to copy Lino… as well as Oompah Loompahs, evil weeds, Mike Jones, appearances from the author and much more…**

_This is the last chappie. Just a warning; it's off topic. It has nothing to do with the story. It's extremely funny!... Or at least I think it is. I'm extremely hyper right now, and when I'm in this type of sugar high, everything turns out random. I'll shut up now. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Oompah Loompahs, Mike Jones, Lord of the Rings, Sesame Street, or any other thing that I didn't make up. I do own a group of evil weeds though. But more importantly, I don't own Shark Tale. _

_On wit da story!_

**Lesson Seven: The One Lesson, TO RULE THEM ALL!**

Hey, Don Lino here. So, this is our last lesson. I'll be sad to see you all go... wait, no I won't. All these lessons stopped me from watching 'The Sopranos,' and reading stories about me on Lesson: THE LAST LESSON!

This is today's last lesson, and I want to make it special. So, today we'll be learning about… (Stops and notices something)

Lino: Lenny…

Lenny: Lenny…

Lino: Lenny, I'm serious.

Lenny: Lenny, I'm serious.

Lino: Stop copying me.

Lenny: Stop copying me.

Lino: Grrrr…(suddenly, a light bulb pops over his head)

Lenny: Grrrr… (A light bulb pops over his head too.)

Lino: Lenny is stupid.

Lenny: I'm not falling for that.

Lino: Aha!

Lenny: Aha!

Lino: D'oh!

Lenny: D'oh!

Lino: That's it. I'm ending this now.

Lenny: That's it. I'm ending this now.

Lino: (pulls out candle and puts his fin on the flame)

Lenny: (likewise.)

Lino: (waits, smiling)

Lenny: (waits, a pained expression on his face.)

Lino: (smiles)

Lenny: OWWW! (Takes his hand off the candle.)

Lino: (takes his hand of the candle, which turns out to be a candy candle) Ha! I am the champion!

Lenny: (whimpers and sucks his fin)

Lino: Now, why are you copying me?

Lenny: (whimpering and holding his burnt fin) because one of the reviewers requested it.

Lino: What? Who would request that?

(Puff of smoke appears and a figure comes out of the smoke)

Lenny: Gasp! It's a bird!

Lino: It's a plane!

Hillbilly guy: It's my sister, who's also my wife and cousin!

Aqua Aussie: No you idiots! It's me, the author!

Everyone: Oh.

Aqua Aussie: (takes out gun and points it to the Hillbilly guy) I don't like you. Die. (Shoots Hillbilly guy.)

Hillbilly guy: Ahhh! (Dies)

Lino: That was mean.

Aqua Aussie: And? Anyway, to answer your question, a reviewer requested it.

Lenny: I said that!

Aqua Aussie: You did? Oh, sorry. I'll go now. (Cruises out the story in her low rider.)

Lenny:…I'm gonna go pray. (Swims out the door.)

That was awkward….

Anyway, for today's lesson, we'll be learning about…

**BOOM!**

Lino: Who the (censored) is that?

Evil Weeds: We're here to kill all humanity!

Lino: I'm a shark.

Evil Weeds: Oh. Well then, we're here to kill all sharks!

Lino: Are you sure?

Evil Weeds: Yeah.

Lino: Really?

Evil Weeds: …Shut up! We're gonna kill you and there's nothing you can do about it!

Lino: (sarcastically) Oh no, whatever shall I do?

Evil Weeds: That's right! There's nothing you can do!

(Guy flies through door)

WKM: I AM WEED KILLER MAN! I KILL ALL WEEDS! MWAHAHAHA!

Aqua Aussie: Stop yelling retard.

WKM: okay, but I'm not a retard.

Lino: Weed Killer Man! You've come to save the day!

WKM: THAT'S RIGHT! I SAVE THE DAY BECAUSE I AM WEED KILLER MAN! I KILL ALL WEEDS!

Aqua Aussie: _What the heck? Didn't I just tell this idiot to stop all that unnecessary yelling?_ Idiot! I said stop yelling!

WKM: Well sorrrrrry.

Aqua Aussie: Hey, I brought you into this story, and I can take you out.

WKM: Gasp! No, I'll be good!

Aqua Aussie: Good. Now if you excuse me, I have to go spoil the ending of 'Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince.' (Goes to spoil the ending of HBP)

WKM: Okay, no more yelling…wait…

(Somehow, the TV. was turned on, and the lottery was playing.)

WKM: I WON THE LOTTERY!

Aqua Aussie: (appears) WTF? DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO STOP ALL THAT YELLING CRAP?

WKM: (whimpers)

Aqua Aussie: YOU'VE FORCED ME TO HAVE TO USE MY 'aussie wrath' ON YOU! (Uses her 'aussie wrath' to take Weed Killer Man out story.) NOW SHUT UP! (Tries to calm herself down.)

Evil Weeds: That was stupid. Now, back to business! (Pulls out chainsaw)

Lino: Great! Now how am I supposed to kill these weeds?

Aqua Aussie: Uhh, you can use weed that 'weed x' thing over there. It burns weeds to death, especially the evil ones.

Lino: (looks over to the table and sees 'weed x') How come I didn't notice that before? (Takes 'weed x' and pours it over weeds)

Evil Weeds: (burning) Ahhh! Our day will come! There shall come a time where all foolish humans and sharks…

Aqua Aussie: Shut up! (Burns up the evil weeds.) Okay, carry on with the lesson.

Lino: OO…. okay… As I was saying, for today's lesson…

Lenny: (swims in door) look pop! Oompah Loompahs!

Oompah Loompahs: Oompah, Loompah, goobledy goo, we've got some stories to tell you.

Lino: Will you fat orange midgets get out my office?

Oompah Loompahs: Yeah, well if it wasn't for 'Roald Dahl' we wouldn't be fat!

Lenny: (gasp) You can talk without rhyming!

Oompah Loompahs: Oh! We mean… oompah, loompah, doompady doo; Willy Wonka is coming for you.

Lino: Huh?

(Willy Wonka appears in nothing but boxers, a t-shirt, and his top hat. He's holding a carton of ice cream.)

Willy Wonka: No, Terry! Don't go back to your ex-boyfriend; he'll cheat on you again!

Lino: Ahem.

Willy Wonka: (notices stuff.) Oh. Umm… I don't watch soap operas!

Lenny: Uh huh.

Willy Wonka: Wait… I can't breathe underwater! (drowns)

Oompah Loompahs: Neither can we! (drowns)

Lenny: Oh no! Who's gonna run the chocolate factory now?

Aqua Aussie: Don't worry, Johnny Depp will take care of it.

Lenny: Oh, okay. Thanks.

Aqua Aussie: No prob.

Lino: Ahem! If you two will stop your flirting, I'd like to get on with the lesson…

**BOOM!**

Lino: What now?

Sauron: I, the dark lord Sauron, am listening to the one lesson. The one lesson TO RULE THEM ALL!

Lino: What the…?

Aqua Aussie: Awkward.

Lenny: (spinning around in chair) Wee!

Aqua Aussie: I'm… gonna get some pizza. (Pizza appears in her hand.) Who wants some?

Lenny and Sauron: I do! (Both grab pizza.)

Lino: OO

Sauron: Ahhh yes, pizza. The one pizza TO RULE THEM ALL!

Lenny: Hey, mine has pineapples. I hate pineapples!

Sauron: Pineapples, the one pineapple TO RULE THEM ALL!

Lenny: Okay, you really need to shut up now.

Sauron: TO RULE THEM ALL…!

Aqua Aussie: Shut up!

Sauron: What? Foolish mortals…

Lino and Lenny: We're not mortals.

Aqua Aussie: I'm not a mortal either.

Sauron: Oh. Still… you cannot silence me, the dark lord Sauron, forger of the one ring! The one ring, TO RULE THEM ALL! I am all powerful!

Lenny: Really? Well then, if you're all powerful, how come you got defeated by a midget-like guy and his gardener?

Sauron: I…I… Shut up! (Goes out the story)

Lino: All righty… back to the lesson…

Lenny: Wait!

Lino: What now?

Lenny: I need a theme song.

Lino: What?

Aqua Aussie: He's got a point. Everyone needs a theme song.

Lino: I don't have a theme song.

Aqua Aussie and Lenny: Yes you do! Whenever you come around, the Godfather theme starts to play.

Lino: You've got a point. Which song do you want to play?

Lenny: …I don't know…

Aqua Aussie: Look you guys! It's Mike Jones!

Mike Jones: (singing) Back then they didn't want me, juh huh, they all on me. (Disappears out story)

Lenny: Hey! That could be my theme song!

Lino: What does that song have to do with you?

Lenny: Because, back then, girls didn't want me. Now that I'm about to become a don, they're on all me.

Aqua Aussie: Yeah… hey, that could be your theme song! If you get tired of it, you can just change it later on!

Lenny: Wooh! I've got a theme song!

**POOF!**

Lino: Who's that?

Elmo: Could you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?

Barney: I **LOVE** you!

Lenny: Ahhh! (Pulls out gun and shoots both Elmo and Barney)

Aqua Aussie: Now both their shows will be canceled!

Everyone: Hooray!

Lenny and Aqua Aussie: (dancing)

Lino: Excuse me? Could I tell this last lesson without anymore random and retarded interruptions?

Aqua Aussie: Sure, why not?

Lenny: We'll be quiet now.

Lino: Thank you. Now, as I was saying…

**BOOM!**

Xjkjtutut: FDJNFDJFGJFDKJGFDJFKDLGJ! (Runs out story)

Lino: Oh forget it! This ends the lesson! I'm never teaching in these lessons again! (Swims out his office.)

Lenny: What are we supposed to do now? We have to ask everybody what they learned!

Aqua Aussie: We could close up the lesson.

Lenny: Okay…. Wait, how come you haven't drowned?

Aqua Aussie: Hello, don't you get the name? AQUA Aussie?

Lenny: ….

Aqua Aussie: I can breathe underwater.

Lenny: Oh.

Aqua Aussie: Now, let's close the story!

Lenny: A'ight.

So, what have we learned today?

Aqua Aussie: We've learned that you should never let me write a story when I'm hyper.

Lenny: And we've learned that Willy Wonka watched soap operas.

Aqua Aussie and Lenny: That concludes today's lesson: Bye everybody!

_Well, that's it, the last chappie. What did you think? Was it good, bad, random? R&R please!_


End file.
